Men, how to support your woman to have better sex.
For the men who want to show up for their partner during perimenopause and help her enjoy sex, here are 8 things you can do…
Your woman’s body is changing, inside and out, and all her life she’s been told that when her youth fades, so does her value. Her self esteem and ability to feel attractive and sexy will be rocked and challenged. This is where you can really help. Complement her, reflect back to her the ways in which you find her desirable. Not in a simple ‘you’re so gorgeous’, which anyone can say, but remind her what you love about her, what part of her body you love most, are turned on by, and what you’d like to experience with her. Be specific and genuine (she’ll be able to tell if it isn’t). Women love to feel your desire; as a woman, it is so hot to be wanted.
Unless you’re a genuine expert, you may need to brush up on how women’s bodies work, your technique, and what pleasure-oriented sex means. No shade on you - nobody goes to sex school, so we need to find these things out. Learn what works for her because it might have changed. By the time we reach midlife we’re over fumbling. We want to be handled with confidence and expertise. Remember, it’s about your evolution together, not about ‘fixing’ something broken.
An important one: her readiness to feel open to sex is directly related to her capacity and bandwidth. This means that if you’re married or living together, own your responsibilities and don’t load her up unnecessarily. It isn’t about ‘helping’ her with the chores, the kids; it’s your house, your chores, your children, your shared responsibility. Don’t ask her what needs doing, because that’s also an effort for her so look around and work it out. Resist the urge to point out all the things you are doing. If you truly are pulling your weight, you won’t need to say a thing—she will notice and it is very sexy. This is the erotic-long game and it matters.
Protect her. As she goes through this major change, her ability to keep spinning all the plates reduces. She’s likely to feel more stressed and unfortunately, the stress she feels lands more harshly on her system - there is a physiological basis for this. What she needs is more space and time to herself. Help her get that. Take up the slack for her. Take a turn juggling the chaos of life so that she doesn’t have to right now. Be the stable presence for her while her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual world gets turned upside down. Protecting her energy, showing up as her partner, taking responsibility for your stuff, supporting her needs and remaining present and steady when she moves through all craziness of the chaos, without swaying or collapsing yourself, creates safety and space. It’s embodied masculinity in practice and it is deeply attractive and sexy.
Show up for her in non-intimate ways. She is going through a profound change and refinement process. This may deeply affect her enjoyment of sex. She may be anxious, tearful, chaotic, full of rage, on top of all the physical symptoms and challenges that midlife throws her way. You are not obsolete. You haven't lost her; she needs you. Her dreams, ambitions, priorities and opinions may change too (as yours may have done) so ask her about them. Find out more about her inner world, share yours too, and nurture the bond between the two of you. Perimenopause is an isolating experience and she may not have the words to explain it to you. If you can be curious, ask questions and really listen, and share, you’ll be building intimacy.
How she wants sex is changing, and if the sex you’ve been having isn’t keeping up, she may shut down and lose interest. Many women shut down their sexual desire at this time for this reason. So be willing to slow down and take your time during sex, and prioritise her arousal and pleasure (if you aren’t already). Open up to the idea that this isn’t foreplay before the real thing, it’s the thing itself - and it can be very pleasurable for you, too. Know that it can take time for a woman to switch from plate-spinning mode into lover mode. Give her that time. Be intimate with her in small ways before you reach the bedroom. Slowing down, using sensual touch, creating anticipation, breathing together, eye contact, being truly present and intentional - these, and more, are the ingredients that create erotic charge, and this is what she needs, and wants. If you can be open to a new way of having sex, you can have amazing sex, better than ever in fact. If you want to go deeper, look into the polarity between the masculine and feminine, because this is where the magic really lives.
Most men — and women — are working from a blueprint of sex that was never really designed with women's pleasure in mind. The assumption tends to be that sex follows a sequence: some brief touching, perhaps digital and/or oral sex, leading to the main event — penetration. But what most people genuinely don't know is that this version of sex largely sidelines female pleasure, which is rooted in clitoral stimulation, not penetration. This isn't a criticism — sex has never been openly discussed, and everything we've absorbed from porn, film, TV and wider culture has reinforced this same narrow script. Nobody is to blame. But knowing this opens a door. Knowing this is an invitation for you to be curious, ask questions, be honest and willing to do things differently. This is where things can get really interesting, for you both.
If she is opening up and being vulnerable with you, hold that tenderly (it can be terrifying to give feedback); try not to take it as criticism or be defensive because its’s showing she feels safe enough with you to tell you. Likewise, be open yourself, and share your own vulnerabilities - you’d be surprised what can happen when you do...
Look after yourself. Eat well, exercise, see your friends, work well. Address your snoring. This profound change requires lots of self reflection and growth. The last thing she needs is to mother you, too. A man who grows and evolves alongside her, and takes responsibility for his own physical, mental and emotional health, is grounding and attractive. It’s not just women who feel fraught with challenges and blocks around sex. The conditioning men also have in this area is very real. So if you held back in anyway, feel unsafe or fearful, seek advice. Likewise, I encourage you to tend to your inner world and explore your patterning and past. We all carry wounds. Addressing yours is one of the most courageous and attractive things you can do. I am so happy to recommend Psychotherapist Alexander Gray, who works online and in London, offering group work, men’s circles and 1-1 support.
